I’ve been thinking a lot. Writing a lot. Exercising a good deal. Working a decent amount. Eating (relatively) healthy. Drinking a lot of hot water. Watching a lot of Youtube videos.
And I’ve been in a funk.
My energy feels lower than usual. I don’t want to talk to anyone, especially not via social media. I want to cover my ears with large headphones and blast music in my own bubble, but I don’t like the idea of being constricted by the headphones. I look forward to going to work every day. I am able to push myself to run longer distances than usual.
Maybe I need space?
I’m working on defining boundaries in my job and in my life. As a recent college graduate, I’m slowly shaking off a routine that revolves around a school-year calendar.
Do I strive to work consistently at 80% on a daily basis instead of 100%? Work smart, not hard?
Unlike school, my work doesn’t have to seep into every aspect of my day. (Although, it certainly could.) It feels really strange to… let go and relax. Every time I check the time on my watch, even though I can see the numbers, it feels like the hands on the clock are blurred out. Unlike school, I am now running a race that is much longer… which excites me for many reasons.
I like the tangibility of post-grad life.
And yet, I don’t think I’m quite used to where I am. In many ways, it doesn’t feel real. I take public transportation, I eat at restaurants, I spend time with friends, and I run along the river. But the sediment hasn’t quite settled down. I am cautious of a life that feels permanent, if not semi-permanent.
I’ve also been quite anxious.
There is a constant hum in my chest that permeates through my throat to my ears. Breathe in. Breathe out, despite the mini earthquake ripples in my chest.
Days, weeks, months, and seasons can inevitably vary.
Right now, I’m wading through a big sea of ambiguity.