Gratitude and Growth: Reflecting on my first 3 months in Business School
I recently completed my first quarter (~3 months) of business school. Here are 4 thoughts that have been on my mind during this transformative season of life.
Table of Contents
Thought #1: This feels right
I am so grateful to be here.
In the midst of a lot of uncertainty and stress and ambiguity, I feel so much peace with my decision. I’ve worked really hard to get here. I love my apartment. I’ve met some amazing friends. I’m expanding my understanding of what I can do in my life. I’ve (already) secured a summer internship. My therapist/psychiatrist is extremely kind.
In many ways, there have been many easeful and abundant parts of business school.
I am grateful for the time, space, and opportunity to dream. I am grateful for the opportunity to discover new parts of myself… to try again… to challenge myself… all of it.
I know this was the right decision.
Thought #2: There’s more FOMO than I expected
This time in business school has exacerbated and highlighted areas of confusion, struggle, and tension.
For example, for the past three months, I’ve really struggled to physically exist within our business school building, Evans Hall. On the surface, Evans is a beautiful building with big glass windows, fancy lecture halls, and a cool modern feeling. But, it has also felt empty and sterile — like a giant corporate fishbowl.
Every day when I enter school, I can feel the buzz of the student body, in both good and bad ways.
I think part of the difficulty has been figuring out how to manage my emotions, focus on myself and my goals, and not be so influenced by my peers, who are fairly driven and motivated individuals.
Before starting business school, I assumed everyone would be extremely confident, polished, and focused. After being here for ~3 months, I’d say that this is (mostly) true. But, at the same time, there is a LOT of FOMO, insecurity, and stress that permeates throughout the building and student body. As school progresses and recruiting gets more serious, I’ve noticed that the school seems to vibrate with even more stress and anxiety.
It’s overwhelming.
I’m working on focusing on myself and protecting myself. I’m trying to serve as a reminder to breathe, rest, and make decisions that resonate with them.
We are doing our best.
Additionally, classes have been extremely draining. My peers have commented on how I always sit in the front of the class. Sometimes I will share that sitting in the front of class has very little to do with me wanting to be a good student — It has a lot more to do with me just trying to survive and get through class in a 70-person lecture hall. Other times I will just nod and smile. What they don’t know is that I’ve been taking medication specifically to make it through class each day. Until recently, I’ve felt a lot of shame about this.
I remember one week having these ‘grand’ plans to attend several club kickoffs, and I ended up attending zero events and just going home after class each day — I was absolutely exhausted.
In general, I’ve found business school — both the physical space and the energy that surrounds it — to sometimes be very intense and overwhelming. Each day, I make a commitment to not overcommit… to not over extend… to protect my peace as much as I possibly can.
I think I’ve done a really good job at this and I’m proud of myself. 🙂
Thought #3: How can I converge my inner perception and outer reality?
During this season of life, I’ve been struggling to match my inner perception with my outer reality.
On the inside, I know that I’m a work in progress. And yet, on the outside, I still manage to have a fairly grounded, confident, and calm demeanor.
I’ve met so many lovely people who have said so many wonderful things about me…
You are generous with your time, and this is what really matters.
You can do awesome, you will do awesome.
Taylor, you are such a light — how do you do it?
You are mature and centered.
You have great, confident energy that comes from within.
I loved reading your blog about your business school journey.
I appreciate your calm and chill vibes.
…And I don’t think I’ve fully embodied all the good that people see in me.
It’s confusing and I don’t fully understand the discrepancy. In therapy, I’m working on understanding why there is this gap.
As I work through this confusion, I’m working on accepting and embracing these compliments, especially when it is from genuine and caring people.
And also, I’m working on building self-confidence and peace without external validation. I’m not quite sure what the balance should be, but I do know it is something I’m exploring. I’m practicing self-compassion and being kinder to myself on a daily basis.
Each day, I must remind myself that I’m doing a lot better than I feel. I’m doing a lot better than I think. This is something I continue to be curious about.
Thought #4: What does creating space for myself mean?
Lastly, I’m working on creating more space for myself.
During my most recent therapy session, I was speaking about different relationships in my life, and my therapist made a note about how I was asking questions about the “Us” and “You,” but not “Me.”
I tend to be so overly concerned about making space for other people that I often forget to think about myself. DUHHH!!
So I’ve been wondering…
What do I feel? What do I want? What does Taylor want?
How can I make space for myself?
How can I defend myself? Protect myself? Love and nourish myself?
I don’t have answers for this. But, It feels very relevant, especially as I seek expansion, abundance, ease, and reciprocation during my business school journey and in my life.
It is also a reminder to embrace the nuance and duality of life and of people.
For instance, I’ve met some wonderful people who also driven me nuts. Nobody is perfect.
There are so many imperfections and uncertainties in life. I think it is quite unrealistic to expect other people to be fully formed… especially as I’m still figuring out my own self.
What’s next?
I’m working on embracing and embodying my full self.
I’m asking myself, How can I create more space for Taylor?
I’m re-learning patience.
I’m trying to be more curious.
I’m exploring what these words mean to me and what it may look like in my life:
- Trust
- Abundance
- Reciprocation
- Abundance
- Forgiveness
- Joy
What is on your mind? What is on your heart?