Craving Alone Time During this Period of Isolation

April 30, 2020

Table of Contents

I’m fine! I’m fine! I’m fine?

It’s been ~6.5 weeks of “staying at home” life so far.

I wasn’t sure how this was affecting me… until I recently had a check-in with my manager and she mentioned that several people on my team have commented that I seem “sad.”

Huh. Funny.

Well, not really funny.

I didn’t have a response because it’s kinda true.

For the first few weeks, I thought I could go along with doing virtual calls. I dialed into a super fun and intricate murder mystery event that my amazingly witty friend put together. I (reluctantly) played online drawing games with friends. I Netflix partied. I went home. I connected with family members I wouldn’t normally speak with. I shared my love for “Crash Landing on You” with friends.

But I also ignored text messages. I uninstalled all social media apps. I stopped watching/reading/ingesting the news. I worried about friends and family. I failed to wish my friend “happy birthday” because I felt so unmoved to do so (I wished her happy birthday the next day when I was feeling better). I spent hours watching a juicy Korean drama, and felt guilty for not being “productive” (thanks, capitalism). I sent virtual hugs to my friend who is going through a breakup (what a sucky time to go through heartbreak).

What are my days like?

I wake up most days wondering, When will it get “better”?

I worry about the next obstacle.

I go to sleep feeling like I wasn’t super productive.

A lot has changed, but a lot is still the same. I still love sleeping. I still feel a mixture of ambition, love, hurt, and happiness each week. I still crave connection.

Can you leave me alone?

During this time, I have felt conflicted with how we are expected to maintain and nourish relationships.

I have felt the urge to go deeper within myself rather than connect with people over a pixelated screen. I have wondered, If we’re going to be disconnected and physically separated, then can I just be fully separated from the world?

Can I unplug? Tap out? Sign off?

JK, we need each other.

While it’s always good to set and maintain boundaries, I don’t think it’s sustainable (for most people) to completely retreat away from the world (i.e. your friends, family, neighbors, community, loved ones, goals, ambitions, hopes, dreams).

Even when the world feels like it is in an indefinite standstill, I remind myself of all the cycles in life that still exist and persist in our world (i.e. seasons, the moon, the sun, our breath, the seasons, menstrual cycles, calendars, annual celebrations)

I am still growing, aging, and changing too. I am still moving somewhere, even if it doesn’t feel like I am going anywhere.

There is still value and purpose in each of our lives.

And because of this, I know that I can’t give up.

This reminds me of the song, “You Can’t Stop the Beat” from the musical, Hairspray: You can’t stop the river as it rushes to the sea. You can try to stop the hands of time, but you know it just can’t be!

How are you doing?

Note: The intro to Episode 91 of the Just Break Up Podcast is really wonderful for those looking for a perspective on self-care during this time. <3 Link: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3btdu8o4Luqt0aToxkFUlK?si=RX4GornuTCaZo2nr1ZKiyA