it was just a kiss – cw: sexual assault
Content warning for sexual assault and excessive drinking. Here are some resources for sexual assault survivors by RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization.
I’m not totally sure what happened, but as soon as I got home, I stripped off all of my clothes.
Why am I shaking?
I think about how I could do some deep breathing exercise or take some medication.
But I don’t want to.
For the first time in my life, I just want to drink.
I text a friend.
She’s busy, but says she will call me later (and she does and I am so grateful for her).
I text another friend and he’s free and I am relieved.
I don’t want to be alone right now.
I walk outside and the wind is blowing the rain directly into my face.
Damn, I wish those were my own tears.
I want to cry, but nothing is coming out even though there is a huge ache inside of me.
I ache so much.
As I recall what happened, I feel myself minimizing the experience.
I know it was not okay, but I still use softer language.
I avoid any potentially big words or big feelings.
It was so brief…
Does it count?
I wonder if maybe there’s a lesson in here somewhere.
I know I have gaps and shortcomings.
Maybe I could have said something or signaled more clearly…
I end up drinking an entire bottle of wine.
The room spins endlessly.
I feel myself unraveling.
I don’t care and I don’t stop.
I don’t normally do this. I’m sorry.
I am exhausted and fall asleep texting a friend:
Everyday I feel like I’m learning
And I’m over all of it
I’m done learning
I’m done
The next morning, I respond to his text: “sorry if that was weird. sometimes i’m bad at expressing my feelings 💃”
What the hell is this dancer emoji?!
I text him that I felt both uncomfortable and surprised last night.
He says “sorry for making you uncomfortable.”
Hm.
I really want to believe this is the end of this encounter, but our exchange doesn’t feel complete because when he resumes texting me like “normal,” I feel anger.
I tell him I need time and space to process, and he responds with a ‘thumbs up.’
What am I about to process?
First, I start with acknowledging the lack of consent.
You did not consent.
You never consented.
Then I recall how he grabbed me.
This sounds intense, but he did and it makes me really angry.
He grabbed you.
And did not let go.
Next, I speak with my therapist who uses language like:
Sexual contact
Unwanted sexual contact
Non-consensual sexual contact
Sexual assault
Taylor, you can report this if you want to
It’s not your fault.
My mind whirs and I hold my breath and google ‘sexual assault’ and land on this website.
How intense does it need to be to count as sexual assault?
I read: “Any type of sexual contact with someone who does not consent.”
Ok, but it only lasted for a few moments — does it count?
I read it again: “Any type of sexual contact with someone who does not consent.”
And I collapse.
That’s me.
It was just a few moments.
But in those few moments, you completely disregarded my confusion.
You ignored my silence.
At the minimum, it was disrespectful.
At the maximum, it was violence.
I recall how my whole body was reverberating, and not in a good way.
I wasn’t just uncomfortable, I felt unsafe.
It felt so cold.
My heart and mind draw connections to past memories.
I recall all the times I’ve felt:
unsafe
cold
caught off guard
objectified
ignored
disregarded
disrespected
I deeply empathize with the experience of others.
Now I really want to cry, but the tears are still stuck.
Sure, Taylor, it was just a kiss.
But you did not want it.
You never consented to it.
And that’s why this kiss was not just a kiss…
On a Monday evening.
On that street corner.
He grabbed you without your consent.
He kissed you without your consent.
He sexually assaulted you.
And that’s on him.
Not you.