Lost, Lighter, and Sorta Found
Fluctuations in my body weight.
I thought it was something that only something I noticed about myself. I thought it was something that I could hide from other people.
But recently, my friend gently made a comment about how my clothes looked baggier and it looked like I had lost weight (not in a good way). She asked me, Are you okay?
I was immediately defensive and said, I’m fine! I’m fine. Totally fine.
But I knew this was a lie.
I didn’t need a mirror to know that what she observed was true. I had lost weight. My skirts were slipping off my hips. I wasn’t feeling great, both inside and out.
So I corrected my initial statement and say, I’m not okay…
As soon as I said those words out loud, I knew it was the actual truth.
A few months ago, in the beginning of the summer, that same friend playfully punched my arm and joked that it felt like hitting a ton of bricks. You arms are so strong!
I laughed and said, Thank you. At that point, my arms were strong. My legs were strong. My body was defined. I was exercising regularly and eating well. Physically (and mentally), I felt pretty good.
It never crossed my mind that I could end up going in the opposite direction.
But that’s exactly what happened.
Over the next few months, for a multitude of reasons, my good habits significantly deteriorated. I refused to cook. I refused to eat. I refused to exercise. I couldn’t sleep through the night. I was perpetually worried.
During this time, I thought I could continue smiling on the surface and hide how I was truly feeling on the inside. But I forgot that internal stress could manifest into physical changes to my external body.
Until my friend approached me, I was in denial about how I was sabotaging my health. After talking with her, I couldn’t help but wonder, Tayzau, why aren’t you more concerned? Why aren’t you taking care of yourself? What’s really wrong?
I needed this wake-up call to face the real reason why I was losing weight. I needed to address what was going on inside.
Since then, I’ve been trying to eat healthier and in general, just eat more. Last week, I chopped some vegetables and meal prepped for the week. Today, I made a list of foods that I’m excited to eat. I’ve also started to exercise a little bit more. If someone invites me to exercise, even if I don’t want to go, I know I should… For my health, my well-being, my mind, my body. Bit by bit, I’m trying to build my physical (and mental) strength and stamina back.
This summer taught me that even when I’m feeling pressed for time, stressed out, inadequate, empty, or lost, I still need to take care of myself. If anything, it’s during these trying moments when you need that kind of love and attention the most.
When you’ve gone through a tough time, what did it take for you to face the truth of your own situation?
What action did you take?