Moving Through Summer 2020

Moving Through Summer 2020

The days are getting shorter and the sun is setting earlier — Eeeek!! Today, I enjoyed a wonderful summer day with someone. I tried to savour and breathe through the entire day, but I also felt quite anxious and jittery. (I’m in denial, but I really should stop drinking caffeine, but matcha and black coffee is sooo tasty.)

When I returned home from this wonderful day, I felt calm. Happy. Full. Joyous. 

And then I saw a text from my friend, asking if I was free for a call. My heart dropped. I knew it wasn’t good news. When a friend reaches out, in the middle of the pandemic, seemingly out of nowhere, it can’t be good. 

It didn’t feel good. 

It wasn’t good.

My friend from college passed away.

At first, I felt okay. But then, I lost sensation in my entire body and found myself feeling numb and empty. My heart hurt so much — I wanted to hurry through the mourning process and return back to my Tay-focused life. But, I knew that I had to work through this pain and embrace the grieving process.

I re-activated my Facebook account so that I could scan through dozens of college memories. We were once close friends, spending an entire summer together as camp counselors. I went to my first live concert in Philly with him. I remember how his eyes sparkled and how comfortable I felt around him. 

He was brilliant, calm, steady, and so much fun. We loved laughing about the silly stuff, and he was such a beam of joy. He was an awesome fellow counselor, supporter, and friend. 

The other night, I had a dream that I could reach out to him and connect with him through prayer — So I did.

I have been thinking of him, and wrote a little note to him in my journal.

Considering how I am no longer close to this friend, I am surprised by how much he has been on my mind. But I must acknowledge that we all grieve and process the loss of others differently. My heart still hurts, so I can’t imagine how his close friends and family must feel right now. I am so sorry for their loss and I will be praying for his friends and family.

As I reflect and process further, my mind flashes to other people who have died by suicide in recent years. A team member on my ski team. Acquaintance in high school. Co-worker. My uncle (whose death still haunts me).

I do not know all of their stories, but I can faintly imagine and empathize with what they might have been feeling.

My heart breaks, knowing that they were in so much pain.

The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/.

Personally, I have never experienced suicidal thoughts. However, I have felt dark feelings of not wanting to breathe, and not being able to breathe. 

This year, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and the weight of this truth was absolutely crushing. For me, it fully consumed my body, mind, and spirit. 

Eventually, I called a free counseling hotline. I learned the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist (medical doctor). I learned the difference between HMO and PPO insurance plans. I learned that a counselor, therapist, life coach, and clinical physician are kind of interchangeable with each other. I talked to a few therapists to get different perspectives and Googled “Good Questions to Ask your Therapist” so I could figure out a good fit for my situation.

The whole process of finding a therapist was unbelievably overwhelming, disheartening, and complicated. Also, insurance is complicated and expensive, which is not cool. But eventually, I began going to therapy on a regular basis. I’ll admit, I was a bit skeptical. But now, I can confirm how much it helped me. In addition to all of the progress I have made…

Therapy has saved my life.

I am grateful for everyone who supported me. I’m really happy that several of my friends have decided to explore therapy options too. I’m glad that I can support them (and share my experience with insurance, therapy options, cost, questions to ask, etc) and affirm them in their own journeys too. (Judgement from family and friends can feel so invalidating and unhelpful during this vulnerable time.)

If this resonates with you, I hope you may consider finding professional help. I am here for you if you have questions or just need someone to listen.

To end, here are a few a bunch of scribbles I reflected upon recently:

  • It is okay to rest, especially in the context of resisting white supremacy culture. – https://www.instagram.com/thenapministry/
  • It is okay to feel guilty — Guilt for feeling pleasure when someone else is in pain. Guilt for not doing more and for relaxing.
  • It is reasonable to cry and feel imperfect
  • It is a GOOD thing that you have agency over your life. And, it is okay if the weight of this responsibility feels too much at times.
  • The first waves of heartbreak, disappointment, failure, tragedy, and other life events can be super shocking and difficult.
    • You don’t need to be anywhere or have accumulated a certain amount of knowledge or clout by a certain age. 
    • Older =/= wiser
    • Younger =/= more potential/time
  • A linear pathway is probably not likely — No matter how many snazzy LinkedIn profiles you view, just know that everyone experiences zig zags in their life journeys.
  • It’s not over until it’s over (learned this while watching a bunch of U.S. Open Tennis Matches).
  • You don’t need to pull yourself up from your bootstraps — This phrase is ridiculous, outdated, and physically impossible.
  • Small acts → positive direction → tomorrow → progress
  • Striving for perfection and a 100% score/evaluation is admirable, but rarely possible.
  • Language matters. 
  • Pronouns matter. 
  • Black Lives Matter
    • Rachel Cargle is an outstanding Black activist and educator. I have seen her foundation, the Loveland Foundation, pop up in podcasts that I listen to and at work. I implore you to explore her work and embrace her definition of being a good ally (knowledge + empathy + action).
  • You matter.
  • Your life is not insignificant.
  • When you establish your boundaries, know that if people are disappointed, they are disappointed by your boundaries, not by you. 
  • Do not waiver on your non-negotiables.
  • Pray for those dead and alive — They are with you always. In your heart, you know this is true.
  • It is good to know your attachment styles, but it doesn’t have to define you.
  • Behavior change takes time and you will probably mess up a bunch of times as you grow — Ask your loved ones to be understanding, empathetic, and patient as you try to unlearn a behavior that you have been doing for potentially years… for decades… heck, since you were a child!!! 
  • Pay attention to who and what brings you joy.
  • Your worth is inherent to you, as a human being. Know that you are worthy of love and belonging. This is a fundamental human right.

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