“Gifting Myself” Therapy for my Birthday

This year, two weeks after my birthday, I experienced my first “anxiety attack.”

I remember closing my eyes, sinking into my couch, and eagerly hoping to escape into the music for a little bit. Just relax and decompress. 

Before I could comprehend what was happening, I found myself crying uncontrollably.

I tried to reject my tears. Not now, I have so much to do.

I tried to stay quiet. Don’t let anyone hear you. 

But the crying wasn’t subsiding. It was only getting louder.

My heart ached. My head felt dizzy. I lost feeling in my limbs.

Why are you wailing? Why can’t you breathe? 

Thankfully, my mom was in the house and immediately ran downstairs to find me shaking uncontrollably on the couch. She hugged me tightly and said, Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe…

But I couldn’t. Why can’t I breathe? What is happening to me?

This just made everything even more terrifying. I felt so exposed and silly. I felt so small. When will I be able to breathe again?

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Eventually, my breath steadied and I drank some water. I ate some strawberries and cucumbers.

I was afraid that my mom was going to ask me, “What’s wrong? What triggered this?”

Thankfully, she did not.

Eventually, I went for a walk. Don’t worry, Mom. I think I’m okay walking alone.

Eventually, I spoke on the phone with a close friend and cried a little more. Wow, I feel so fragile.

I didn’t do anything for the rest of the weekend. I couldn’t do anything “productive,” except for skeptically surrendering to rest.  

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It’s been a few weeks since this panic/anxiety attack (I’m not sure what the proper label is). 

I still feel fragile. 

I’m continuing to uncover what triggered this. I’m continuing to affirm that my experience was intense and valid.

I have been (reluctantly) surrendering to rest. Reprioritizing. Letting go.

I am noticing my unhealthy quest for perfectionism, which is potentially rooted in white supremacy culture, a culture that evaluates my worth based on what I can produce on a daily basis. I can feel myself trying to actively reject the notion that if I am not producing, advancing, or benefiting something, I am losing and less valuable. 

But it’s hard.

I feel time slipping away. I am terrified that I am going to miss something. How much rest can I claim for myself before something collapses? 

I feel extremely guilty for not doing as much as I could be, because at the end of the day, my “lack” of productivity seems to be hurting me. I also recognize that I seem to be hurting myself by trying to be overly productive, or even mildly productive, too.

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Some stuff I will be doing moving forward

1. Prioritize sleep and try to sleep at least 9 hours a day
2. Write everything down in a centralized location
3. Go on daily walks outside
4. Set clearer boundaries and voice clearer expectations with people in my personal and professional life
5. Prioritize finding a therapist (again)
6. Cite my mental wellbeing and health as a valid reason for saying “No” in my professional and personal life

I hope these are a few steps forward in a healthy direction. I need to experiment with trying something new because if I don’t, I may completely unravel again.

If I don’t use my agency to protect and support myself, I may crumble again.

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How are you doing?

Have you tried therapy before? If so, how was your experience?