Ruminating about Relationships
This blog post is a hodge podge of thoughts that mostly came from my time spent in…
- Dallas, Texas for work
- Oakland, California for a climate justice organization
- San Francisco, California for family
This month I spent a lot of time empathizing and trying to understand the different types of pain that people live with every day. At times, it was tiring, frustrating, and eye-opening.
I am absolutely amazed by the resilience of my family and people who… despite their experiences with pain, betrayal, disappointment, grief, and sorrow… choose to love, over and over again.
Every interaction. Every smile. Every touch. Every act of love.
I am inspired by people’s resilience, generosity, and strength. I want to continue to learn from these types of people.
I also wish to find a healthy balance of nourishing relationships with others and with myself too.
This month, here are some random…
Words/phrases that stood out:
- Empathy
- Lentils
- Space
- So now I’m family?
- Reconciliation
- *Burning sage*
- Collective liberation
- Culture – Strategy – Structure – Development
- My request
- Sit in the discomfort
- What’s your capacity?
- I’d like to ask a clarifying question
Ideas that I mulled over:
- Instead of asking for permission, tell people what you want/need. Be confident in your choices. Limit your justification to what is necessary… If you feel discomfort, own it, feel it, and once the moment passes (it will pass eventually), move on.
- Pour kindness into others and yourself!!!! When someone hurts you, choose love and gratitude. When you make a mistake, try your best to forgive yourself. Go to therapy if needed. It’s okay if you go to therapy.
- It’s okay if you need to unpack trauma experienced from years ago. It’s okay if you feel lost. Let yourself feel the rawest of your emotions. Speak gratitude. Go to therapy.
- Nothing is a coincidence — Everything and everyone has a meaningful purpose.
- Seeing a dancer perform to Cynthia Erivo’s “Stand Up” for Black History month.
- Drinking kombucha at Pier 39.
- Exchanging smiles with someone on the bus who asked if I was Chinese.
- The timing of everything this month.
Feelings that surfaced:
- I’m not ready.
- I’m not sure what part(s) of my story to own.
- I am deeply loved.
- I feel like a fraud (in regards to my role in the climate justice movement).
- I am tired.
Stuff I want to change:
- I want to be more competitive.
- I wish to be more intentional about nurturing relationships.
- I want to expand my spiritual vocabulary.
Relationships that were nourished and deeply appreciated:
- Physical Therapist: Thank you for making this healing process a little less lonely.
- Indigenous Youth Activist: Big Wind, you saw me, understood me, and made me feel seen. Out of the blue, you validated my identity and made me feel like I belonged in this climate justice movement.
- Host Family: We chatted about climate change, farming, physics, and Hello Kitty. You were the most generous and kind host family.
- Special Person: I wish to always remember the peace that I feel with you.
- Cousin #1: I am thankful our paths crossed and we were able to mend our relationship. I never realized how deeply my past actions had affected you. I am thankful for your forgiveness and continued kindness. The weekend we spent together was filled with so much love and happiness.
- Cousin #2: I love that we got swept away in our conversation about finances and our family in a gaming arcade on a Sunday evening in Sacramento, California.
- Cousin #3: We don’t see each other often, but I had a feeling that our time together would be special. I was not disappointed. We ate In-N-Out burgers, walked to the St. Bonita lighthouse, patiently listened to park rangers, and saw a little rodent (mole?) near the bathroom! The bridge was wobbly, the bay breeze was gentle, and the sun was kind. I am so glad we were able to talk about our complex family dynamics, money, and future expectations/responsibilities. Thank you for making me feel less alone.
- Friend #1: Geographic distance can affect the closeness you might feel with someone. But with you, I have managed to feel a deep, unwavering sense of understanding, support, and love through our parallel journeys, even though we live on separate continents.
- Friend #2: I am so happy we were able to play Connect 4, trivia, and a version of whack-a-mole together. I found myself feeling overly excited to see you and comforted by your familiar presence. I wish to continue making time for you.
- Friend #3: You sent me a thank you card out of the blue, and I believe this is a reminder of how just being present can be so powerful. I had no clue how much pain you were in. I’m glad I could be there for you.
- Friend #4: A part of me secretly hoped you might ask me to join you on your journey. So when you finally did, I wondered, did I manifest this wish? Were we just on the same wavelength? I’m not sure. What I know for sure is that you are a part of my North Star… my greater purpose.
- Strangers: In San Francisco, I prayed for multiple strangers that I observed or met on the public train/bus. I prayed for the strangers who lashed out at other strangers. I found myself empathizing with both sides and feeling their brokenness. It hurt deeply for different reasons.
I’m not sure what a lot of this stuff means… if anything.
Maybe this barrage of feelings/ideas is what happens when you are growing?
Last week, I spoke up at work. Even though my heart was beating out of my chest and my hands were shaking, my voice was calm and steady. Someone complimented me and said they were really impressed with my delivery and content, haha.
I guess this is what growth feels like.
I feel like I have been bopping around to many different social circles and environments. I will experience a “good” moment and then it is gone before I know it. It seems like the “best” moments last for one, maybe two, maybe three days. Sometimes, if I am lucky, I will have the space and time to reminisce. Most times, I’ll write down the occasion and feelings so that I don’t forget.
I definitely fear that certain relationships won’t “work out.”
I wonder if one day I will regret how I’ve chosen to prioritize my relationships.
I fear that one day I will wake up and everyone that I love will be gone for good.
However the cookie crumbles, I remind myself that I cannot let myself become paralyzed by fear and loss.
I must continue to seek out and cultivate those amazing moments of love and joy… especially the moments that have created lasting reverberations.
These are the moments I crave. The moments I seek. The moments I love.
In the ideal scenario, I am loved and I am able to love you/people/me wholeheartedly. I can make someone pause and reflect. I can make people feel like they have the space and time to be kind, rather than harsh.
I love that kind of power and connection.
I recognize that many of these high vibrational moments occur when the feelings are mutual, rather than permanent. For this reason, I’m trying to stop holding onto moments so tightly.
I would like to focus my energy on gratitude and embrace what is around the corner.
You must always remember that there are more moments on the way.
You will be okay.
Actually, probably more than okay.