The Goodness I can Control
At the beginning of the month, I finally called a behavioral therapist. It was the first time I had ever sought out any kind of professional help, but I felt it was important for me to finally try. I didn’t have anything prepared and wasn’t sure what to expect.
The conversation was both helpful and not helpful. It was both validating and invalidating. In many ways, it made me want to cry. (I had already cried a few times in the beginning of the month.)
Looking back, it’s weird to think about how I reached out for help right before our entire world was going to need help (during this global pandemic).
Fast forward to the end of the month and a few days ago, I finally completed a trail I’ve always wanted to explore. The path is circular so I walked the trail in a clockwise direction and then retraced my steps in the opposite direction too. There is something magical about this little sanctuary in the forest.
Throughout this month, I listened to an amazing podcast called Just Break Up (https://www.justbreakuppod.com/) and did a lot of thinking (what else is new, haha). The title of this post was inspired by this podcast too.
My favorite quote from this podcast so far: “Comparison is an act of violence against the self” – Iyanla Vanzant
As for the rest of the month, March has been filled with disappointment, surprise, frustration, and enlightenment. I can feel myself growing and changing, even though I don’t see a lot of tangible proof. My hair is growing and my elbow scar is slowly healing. I haven’t eaten a lot of chips, but I have slept quite a bit.
Once again, I have no profound conclusions or big life announcements to share. Once again, I have no clue what to write this month. So I’m going to indulge in creating a list (which is totally my guilty and lazy pleasure in life).
In the midst of all of the uncertainty and pain that our world is experiencing, I’m carving out some space to recognize the little gems, small moments, and meaningful connections from this past month.
Here we go…
A list of March gems:
- Reached out for professional help for the first time
- Enjoyed game night with the roommates
- Chose to go home because “Family always first” – Your compass is family.
- Made a list of special people in my life
- Celebrated the birthdays of 4 awesome Pisces
- Questioned how to approach certainty in the midst of uncertainty
- Swam
- Ran in the misty rain
- Biked, and said “Wheeeeee” through all the turns
- Listened to some good gospel music
- Remembered my awesomeness (briefly)
- Mourned shifting deadlines
- Settled into the truth of some of my fears
- Received good news
- Practiced a lot of cursive
- Ate so many delicious cara cara navel oranges
- Drove fast on the highway
- Reviewed old letters and relationships and received some profound clarity
- For example: ~5 years ago, a friendship ended because neither of us had the tools or vocabulary to work through or communicate what we were feeling. Looking back, I realize that we were both hurting and that we both deeply cared for each other. We were both immature, emotional, passionate, and stubborn. It’s bittersweet to revisit the innocence and rawness of my past emotions. I’m trying to find grace for past Taylor and her mistakes, because these experiences have challenged present-day Taylor to work on communicating in more kind and loving ways.
- Discovered Bon Iver
- Leaned on Kina Grannis’ music
- Decided to re-stop eating red meat.
- Enjoyed a beautiful dinner with fish, pasta, fancy salad (roasted nuts and pomegranates!), new friends, and old friends – So much love and impromptu dancing!
- Joined video chats with college friends, high school friends
- Checked-in with old friends
- Ate some really wholesome foods
- Laughed with my Mom
- Got used to asking friends, “How are you?” and friends asking me, “How are you?”
- Realized I need a lot of alone time and it is more time than I currently give myself.
- Opened myself up a little bit more to *Radical Self Acceptance*
- Laughed at this quote from a Youtuber: “Geminis are aware of their higher self, but need to listen. Their purpose is to relay spiritual ideas to other people. They are broadcasters and journalists. They also experience big ups and downs (dual personalities)”
- Felt anxious about what I might one day *settle* into.
- Tried to be kinder to myself.
- Be kind to others. Be even kinder to yourself. Protect yourself. You need a clear mind to serve others, which is what you love doing.
- Faced my fear of confrontation a few times
- Found some clarity in how I should reconcile my true priority list with the priority list that I think I should have.
- Discovered that I am a Two (The Giver) and Nine (The Peacemaker), and one of these numbers is a wing? The Enneagram test confuses me.
- Practiced holding conversations with kindness and love in both work and personal settings for myself, the other person, and the overall relationship.
Can you see a theme?
What changes did you experience this month?